| 184th day raw |
[31 Jan 2007|02:12pm] |
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Conquering Bingeing is my goal, and I have already come a long way. But I am just going to use my journal for now to sort out my thought process when it comes to bingeing.
3 square meals a day may NOT be healthiest (there is evidence to support yes and no, but whatevs) BUT it helps me to eliminate emotional eating. Or at least identify it. I allow myself a meal (and a dessert with lunch and dinner). No guilt is ever allowed. I am allowed to eat my meals, big or small. (not that I ever really have made them small yet).
I can identify a few things that in the past have made me binge:
the night after a difficult day
being alone while eating (only sometimes)
facing a LOT of work
a day when I am travelling- stress
basically it is any stress, but it would be helpful for me to guard myself anytime i sense that I may go nutso- even though once i am starting to sense it- i normally don't WANT to stop it because it was always my brain's way off putting off difficult emotions. So rough. However, I am going fo the gold. I know i am getting better- soooooo here i come.
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| 165th day rahahaw |
[12 Jan 2007|10:20am] |
Everytime I binge (last night) I know that I must be attracting it somehow into my reality, because even though I think I am thinking about my new self correctly, since it happens, there is still a small form of resistance in my sub-conscious.... which is annoying. However, it is ever changing- I guess the best way to get to your sub conscious is to do the emotional eating hypnosis downloads that I bought online- which I intend to do in a few minutes. TEA at night TEA at night TEA at night (is that in my subconscious yet?)
I go back ot school so soon? Am I ready? Emotionally, yes. ACTUALLY- no because i haven't done any of my work. :) typical.
i can handle miscombining of foods now because I started eating them- which is a good and a bad thing I guess. But- who cares. DO the french care? NON, ils ne "care" pas.
Yesterday when I visited school, my old french teachers were asking me about college in french, and I actually stayed in the convo for a few seconds and then I just said " I really love it"- and we were back to l'anglais- merci et GRACE a dieu! But i miss french....
anywho- I forget what I was saying. APPRECIATIONS are a new part of my life-
ok- salut
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[10 Jan 2007|10:41pm] |
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Long time no update.
It is my 163rd day raw- and I am back to "anything as long as its raw". I believe that low-fat may be healthiest, but its too weird for me right now. I lost no weight because I was bingeing and feeling deprived. I have such a desire in life for being normal that I just wanted to eat foods that looked and tasted "normal" (aka. salty and savory) that I decided to go back to my higher fat raw. Who knows what this will be- but I told my body that it would digest it normally if it was the last thing it did- and it did. I used to not be able to mix anything improperly, and now I can because I basically forced myself too. I was sick of having to be so good, and then not even being good anyway.
So after a few days pf bingeing on fatty, salty, dehydrated, cacao laden, expensive treats, I decided that today I would have three meals- and be like my homestay french family and eat big meals, feel no guilt and let that be that.
I ate a bowl of papaya cubes this morning
I ate for lunch: raw pizza from health food store (fat bomb), raw chocolate cheeze cake(fat bomb), mini side salad, and bottle of kombucha
then I cleaned the whole kitchen
for my sister and me, I made zuchini pasta with marinara, kombucha, and had banana chocolate ice cream
by seven i thought I was done eating. I was so french, and so happy and satisfied. I went to go meet my friends at California Pizza Kitchen- I ordered a big Fiji water bottle while they ate dinner and that was that. I returned home ready to do some yoga ( i didn't exercise today) but Shane my brother was watching everybody loves raymond, so I sat in with him.
Then I decided to go upstairs to bed and grab some water- while in the kitchen I realized I was starving at 9:30, so---- I ate the leftovers of zuchini pasta with loads of nama shoyu, then lots of dried peas with nama shoyu and nutritional yeast, THEN I went into the fridge and got the coconut/agave/cacao mixture and ate a WHOLE lot (fb=bat bomb)
I was feeling less french- and now I am retired in my room. Verdict? I am still proud of myself. I am striving for my goal of absolute food carefree living. I hate caring about food. Obsessing about food. I hate it. However I have two needs in life: 1. healing from my toxic overloaded past and becoming super healthy and 2. not being obsessed with food. They go hand in hand, but often work inversely- SO. My solution? Be raw, but don't care about what you eat- guily free raw. Any raw food, any amount. Be french in your eating ways. Be care-free. Be self loving. So I love myself for what I did today. It wasn't exactly what I set out to do, but it was a good job. I rock. I need to have this attitude if I want to succeed. yippee for me - trala!
ps. my skin is good for me, and bad for the average bear. So I am generally happy about it. Why is it good? I have no clue.
pps. I drink kombucha out of a wine glass always, and I love it.
ppps. I intend to be into wine in my life. I intend to drink wine, love wine, be 100% healthy and happy and healthy and happy about it. No more of this guilt stuff.
pppps. choosingprosperity.com
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[04 Jan 2007|07:25pm] |
stomach virus and vomiting all day, omg
tomorrow is my birthday too
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[04 Jan 2007|01:45am] |
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I had not binged in a few days and finally feeling a tiny tiny bit thinnger, and then I did tonight, on not raw dried fruit and raw cashews from whole foods that are probably not trully "raw". I know why too. It wasn't boredom or stress. It was physical pain! My throat killed from some bug my whole family has, and eating all these past two hours has actually dulled the pain. Like a junkie. I do do that too. Whenever I would get mouth surgery, it would actually feel BETTER to eat and get extra seratonin, than keep chewing off my sore gums. But tomorrow I keep on going. No worries. I will beat the binge/bulge.
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[23 Dec 2006|08:40pm] |
I have been home for christmas since the 18th, and it has been nice just loafing around.
There are a million things I could say- but I think the most significant one is that I had a long talk with my two best friends yesterday at one of their family christmas parties (where they had fruit salad and dates for me :) ). We were talking about compulsions, and how they manifest differently in different people (my one friend has been waking up in the middle of the night and walking around- compulsion style, not sleepwalking because she remembers it) and my other friend and I have the overeating compulsion. We were talking about the only way to change it- is to finally just break the pattern- and how hard that is in the beginning.
So- i decided to take it one step at a time. I decided to not really try and limit the compulsive eating during the day (i'll tackle that later) but rather focus for now on the intense eating before bed that I ALWAYS do. it is my safe haven. The thing that I look forward to all day. Even though Every day I say I won't. I promise myself I won't, but I still know its there for me if I need it. And every night at that time, I decide I DO need it.
But last night's talk really inspired me. I came home- and I ate nothing before getting in bed- and I SO kept on wanting to go down and eat. The tiniest little twinge of NOT fullness makes me feel like I am allowed to go have a HUGE meal + some. But I didn't. I stuckc to my guns. now here I am with nothing to do. I came home from a fun xmas outing around 6 and have almost been eating ever since (fruit, salad, nori sheets, tomatoes etc) now I am perfectly satisfied physically- but I would give anything to spend the rest of the night eating away. but I am not going to- I figure after a few times dealing with this I will start to get used to it.- then maybe I won't be so debilitated in life, and I won't waste half my day away eating. what I DID have today?
1 huge papaya
15 oz raspberries
15 dates
2 mangos
babyspinach
nutritional yeast (want to cut that out)
1 pint grape tomatoes
some dulse
lots of nori sheets
no exercise today- I have been extremely tired for no reason---- maybe its all the iodine that is now screwing up my thyroid.... must cut back on dulse
tired- afflicted
want food for no reason
will be strong
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[17 Dec 2006|12:07am] |
I think I have a strange reaction to raspberries which is sad :(
oh wow... I am getting an intense headache right now.... i never get headaches otherwise. It always means detox. I wonder if it was something that was on the lettuce I just ate.... or what. hmm. I did have a non-organic salad out at dinner tonight.
anyway, I am going to start eating more peppers and tomatos and cucumbers and zuchini in place of some (not all) some of my fruit. Maybe 25%. I just feel untuitively that I am eating too much sugar. Which- is mostly due to the overeating tendency I have....
I am going to TRY and focus on 6 smaller fruitish meals a day. and then like lunch time and dinner time i can make a huge salad for each. it just takes so much time. oh well.
i am going to list what I ate today, for a change:
1.5 HUGE papayas (like the 1.5 ft kind)
18 oz raspberries
3 hearts of romaine head things
box of cherry tomatoes
7 fuyu persimmons
a salad at a restaurant: romaine, tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, lemon
Yes, tomorrow I will concentrate on the veggie fruits, and exercise again, and finish my paper. I jogged on the treadmill for 30 minutes today- I just get so bored :(
anyway, I had more to say, but I can't remember. I need to quell my constant desire to eat with something. what!?
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| 137 days raw, or 4.5 months |
[16 Dec 2006|12:36am] |
some things I have noticed during the past few days:
i temporarily ate salt again for three days until today, now I have cut it out again- what started this I believe, was on tuesday when I didn't have enough greens. I think I was craving greens late at night and went into the cabinet that stores all of my fancy raw stuff that I don't really eat anymore and I just started eating dulse flakes by the spoonful.... which is very strange, but I did it anyway. I dunno. You know when your face gets all flushed and strange feeling from too much salt? I was getting that, but I kept eating and eating. Anyway, i then followed it up with about 20 raw almonds. I hadn't had fat in more than a week, so i think it was due time. i am going to schedule in a bit of overt fat about once a week
i bought two packs of portobello mushrooms, and ate 5 big head of them last night with my salad, and I had a horrible stomach ache all night long while I was trying to sleep... Compared to my normal diet of greens and fruit, it wasn't so nice. soooo- argh
I just had 3 of my roomate Emily's dates, and they were too much for my tongue to handle, i was in some kind of strangee tongue pain, and my face was getting hot and flushed. That stopped me from eating more, thank god. I wonder what that was?
I went to Caravan of Dreams tonight which was SO nice. Its a vegan place with 1/2 raw dishes. My roomates and I went, and i got a smoothie to start off, and then a salad with only fruit vegetables and lemon for a dressing (my request, they have fancy raw things too). The problem, was that my smoothie had oranges and bananas in it- and that mixture of citrus and sweet fruit made my bloated! my digestion is SO sensitive now!
Last night I smelled the smell of sunless tanner all over my skin. I used to use it ALL THE TIME. i believe it was a detox of the stuff. yippeee.
when my roomate wakes up with a hangover I become so happy that I try to live healthfully :)
my skin is still slowly improving on low fat, yippee (still bad, but coming along)
I stupidly went to an ex- raw and ex- vegetarian site, and got all freaked out about second guessing what I am doing. But I am better now. I realized, I am going to do this until I am completely healed, and then if for some odd reason I need to modify my diet, I will. I doubt I will though. However, I have NO desire to be dogmatic.
I need to run everyday.... and today I didn't. I DID go to a bellydancing class however, which was cool. i read that exercise is the true health seeker, and without exercise one can never be trully healthy. that one has a better chance of being healthy with exercise and unspecific diet, than specific diet and sedentary living. I believe it. even though it makes my days harder...
procrastination is BAD for people who happen to be stuck in an overeating pattern.
I am stuck in an overeating pattern. My roomate plays piano when she wants to relieve her stress. Why can't I?
Ok, so what have I learned from all of these observations:
-try to get in a large amount of greens a day
-eat overt fats once a week approx, not less
-no more mushrooms, or high quantities at least
-still stay away from dates....
-combine fruits properly, no citrus with sweet
-run.
-do yoga, cuz it must be good for something
-bellydancing is cool
-eat slowly for the love of god
yea. i eat too much. stress eating = me=bad.
but oh well. life goes on!
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[14 Dec 2006|12:26am] |
I had been off salt for a whole month, and then last night I CRAVED something. Anything. but I went in a got my old dulse flakes and just ate it plain with a spoon (kinda gross, I know). But I figure now, that it was me not eating enough greens. Even though I have them everyday, I figure I need more. Today I ate 10 oz of baby spinach (a lot of 811ers eat a lot more per day) but I kept in the dulse. A lot. I wish I hadn't, oh well. could be so much worse.
still eat too much
last night I also had about 20 almonds(which is perfectly acceptable on 811) I craved them too. I figure I should try an overt fat at least once a week. next week I am going to get an avacado
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[11 Dec 2006|06:15pm] |
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eggplant is gross. somebody told me it was a fruit, but it definitely doesn't taste good. I mean I knew it was a veggie type fruit, and that it wasn't fruit. I had HAD it before cooked. I should have known. I'm stuffed, of course. papaya is so goooooood, and so are persimmons, even though the ones I get are always too hard, I still alwyas eat them all. They are still good! Just really hard!
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[09 Dec 2006|12:30pm] |
I saw fast food nation yesterday, which was so gross and depressing, and I was very glad that I was already vegan. Then my friend and I just stayed in the movie theater and saw the Holiday for free which negated the horrible feelings unduced by Fast Food Nation. i ate lots of fruit when I got home at 2 o'clock. but I suppose it could be worse. The idea is still to not eat for emotional purposes- its the goal. I am getting better at stopping before I want to burst, but still I did it twice yesterday. keep on moving.
and. I hate how much food is a part of the dating scene. it makes things so complicated. I don't want to seem so weird to people, especially on first impression.
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[08 Dec 2006|07:25pm] |
113.5 today. wtf? I ran today pretty well too
B
beauty
broadway
bargains
blessing
breathing deeply
beach
bed, being in
birds (tuppence a bag)", "feed the
berries, particularly raspberries
blarney stone
i suck at this
i am going to see the holiday tonight!
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| 129 days raw (!) |
[08 Dec 2006|12:34am] |
I think thats the right amount of days, August has 31 + September 30 + October 31 +November 30 +7 = 129, its actually technically 130 now.
I saw spring awakening on broadway tonight, it was so so, some cool parts.
I have been consciously trying to not binge, its been going ok, constantly redirecting my progress forwards even when I frequently slide back- I am a capricorn after all, and my little goat WILL get to the top of the mountain. I think my adrenal glands are a little fatigued too, so I will be going to bed soon... my skin is still on the up and up while still seeming bad to the eye not comparing to BEFORE.
629 gave me this idea, it'll make me want to update more. I didn't understand the method for carrying it on, so I am just going to go through the alphabet on each post.
Letter: A (10 things I love most beginning with A)
not too easy
1. autumn
2. authenticity
3. auditions
4. apples
5. acting
6. art
7. avocado
8. astrology
9. auburn
10. animagi
I had to search in a dictionary online under A just to remind myself that I like acting.... thats sad. The ones that came off the top of my head were: autumn, apples, auburn (?) art ( i don't even really like art - more like- artistic decor - not like MoMa shit)
however, every list will have some arry potter reference. its in my bones, may even be #1.
"A" was hard!
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[25 Nov 2006|01:26am] |
To summarize ma vie over the past week it would be something like:
the dates were being crazily consumed as usual
thanksgiving was nice, I brought a salad and a half a papaya, and my fam was fine about it all! phew
I have been overdoing the fat a little bit : 2 nights ago I sent crazy on some sesame seeds, last night I had a huge avacado, and tonight I had 1/2 an avocado. I'm not too concerned, but I definitely don't feel as good as I did!
I am making strides against the overconsumption (ie. bingeing)
ok, i need to go to bed
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| 109th i think. i could so easily be wrong |
[19 Nov 2006|11:17pm] |
a million dates, swollen glands. ho hum.
i have stayed with 811, but, its probably more like 1000 (get it? 10/0/0?. yea) because of all la glucose dans les dattes. (datte is french for date)
Si je ne parle pas de francais bientot, est-ce que je perdrai mon aptitude???
see^^ I even had to look up the future form of perdre. mon dieu! sacre bleu! zut alors! merde!
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[18 Nov 2006|12:23am] |
lots of papaya
grapes
7 dates
huge salad : baby greens, cucs, tomatos, lemon, 1/4 avacado
2 apples
thats it.
can I really be that sane???? impressive.
I brushed my hair today for the first time in... months. I look human! a lot fell out but at least there are no more mats. I can't believe I am writing this and not exaggerating. for the love.
so tired. can't write. my hand has decided to rebell.
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| 107th |
[16 Nov 2006|07:54pm] |
Another 2 days and 4 date boxes gone by.
I can't even remember what I ate yesterday, so I am not even going to attempt to tell.
oh. except. I rememebr now. After- !WOA! Dillon is down in the courtyard smoking! I didn't know he did.... 1 strike against mr. across the hall. HHAHA, it just started to pour and he and his new gangster friends had to run inside for cover. the gods get their revenge on those who pollute their mighty courtyards.
what I was GOING to say about yesterday, was, at 12:00 midnight, the refridge was dateless. Meaning, there were no dates. I had eaten them all. And Chevy, the Date-a-holic, was NOT happy. So she went into her fruit stash and decided to eat some comice pears, deliciious and NOT organic. So, of course, rinsing them off is too much of a hassle. And immediately after having 2 ... or 3, can't remember, the consriction of the breathing begins and the heart is beating rapidly. HORRIBLE. I believe it was an allergic reaction to the- pesticides? whatever it was, it lasted FAR too long. and... i really am not going to eat pears for a long time. which is a shame because it is their season.
anyways, this morning I decided I was going to sleep through ballet, when my mom called telling my that I had to call the credit card company because they thought somebody else was using it. WHICH THEY WERE. Somebody from India was using my debit card yesterday for visa purchases. So now there is a hold on the card. what fresh hell. I didn't get to sleep in, but I still missed class. So now I can never miss another Ballet class or F!
For lunch I had 2.5 medium papayas. And they were lovely, but it was little much. And then I broke out the dates in between my other classes and shared!!! I shared dates!!! Thats like a boozer sharing his bottle! But I did, and their immediate joy of dates was my reward. I have spread the message about raw candy. It exists! And it grows on trees!
But with the minimal help of my class, another box of dates was finished in....3.5 hours. Oh well.
My good knife that I need and love had a bite taken out of it. It looks like a mouse took a bit out of the tip, which means one of my roomates broke it. Which is ok. Whatever, accidents happen. But why can't they just SAY something about it. I know who it is too. She is the one who breaks EVERYTHING and denies it. hmph. So I tell my roomates that it is broken, and I can TELL by the way Cat answers that she knows she did it. but of course, she won't say. So then she offers to pay for it.
And I say, well, did u do it?
"No"
"Ok, then why would you pay for it".
No response. (ugh).
Then she comes in later and asks in a very frightened voice (don't feel bad, she is not that nice) if its possible that someone who was putting the dishes on the dish rack did it.
I say "yes, but I doubt that this person would not realize that they did it"
"well its very possible that I did it" (!?)
"well, I wish someone would jsut admit it instead of skirting around the issue, I would be much less upset"
she walks out.why????
must we really act 8 years old? When I steal emily's dates, I tell her. I apologize. I buy her new ones (and then eat them and continue the cycle) hahahaha. but really! Please. its so simple. just admit thy faults, and others will be nicer and more unerstanding. So, I left my knife out on the counter so she can feel her guilt until she grovels and apologizes for ever l-y-hyhyhying.
lets talk about greens: I love them. I really do. I just had an amazing amount of salad greens with only lemon on top. it took my almost 1 hour to eat 1 lb of greens (baby spinach and other baby greens). How do other 811 people eat 2 lbs of greens per night? I would spend my entire evening eating! Which I almost already do.
i should be doing so many things.... laundry, cleaning my room, jogging, showering. Any of those would be productive and highly necessary. But who knows if I will? I am becoming a slob. I just realized that I don't own a brush. I had to sneakily use Emily's this morning while she was still sleeping (good thing I didn't BREAK it. except I would have obviously admitted it)
ok. now I am 1/2way through a banana. bananas don't taste as sweet as they used to. ah, what to do.
I think I am going to become my own raw guru, and my followers and I can become datarians. We will live by the great, wise, old date tree. We will rest in it's shade, eat it's bounty and worship it on the sabbath: monday. (to give monday a purpose besides depressing me). We will wear Anthropologie clothes, and listen to Sarah McLlachlan. oooh, thats fun. What a good species we will be! hahaha jk jk. I would miss my measly 1 lb of greens. With lemon dressing.
Anyways, I had best go pretend to do something productive.
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[14 Nov 2006|11:54pm] |
i can't even describe how many dates I consumed today.
tomorrow then. to the meal thing
and exercise
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| 105th day |
[14 Nov 2006|12:17am] |
quick quick
I am out of my mind.
anyway, I had.... a mini binge tonight. That is to say, I ate WAY too much food today. I don't know why I was starving today instead of stuffed from yesterday, but i was. I got in bed a half an hour ago after already having consumed 21 dates, and then got up due to being hungry and ate 5 more. Now (btw, that is my date-all-time-high, 26) I keep on stretching my tum.
BTW I have fallen in love with papayas. And, I ate dulse today which I thought was in accordance with 811, but its not. I am getting RLS with all the potassium from bananas and dates, and papayas and such. The answer is to stop overeating.
ANOTHER issue, is that i actually fall to sleep better when not hungry. Not stuffed, but not hungry. like right now. I had already had about 3000 calories today, with no exercise, and I try to go to bed at a reasonable hour, but I am hungry. And know that eating will put me to bed faster. So I get 5 dates, and then, when still not satisfied, eat 2 bananas (RLS RLS!). However, NOW I am feeling like I am not hungry anymore, but am I reading false signs???? ps, my skin is getting worse again. But its to be expected: binge on sesame seeds last night that I didn't document, and overeating in general.
the answer? Become superwoman. fight all cravings and feelings of hunger and learn how to fly and shoot sparkles out of my nose and love beams out of my eyelashes. argh.
i need to learn to be able to feel asleep with a slight feeling of hunger. I need to stop being afraid of that. It is a problem!
Ok, not lets hope that I can fall asleep with all this potassium in me. DAMN.
again.... tomorrow is another day. I need to give the strict meal plan a good week to work itself out, tomorrow begins the one week challenge! The one week challenge to not eat outisde set meal times. Being: lunchy time fruit, dinner time fruit and huge salad, and optional small bedtime fruit snack of no more than200 calories. Ok? Ok. And fat should obvi be limited. Optional avo spread out throughout this week. Exercise too!
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[12 Nov 2006|09:37pm] |
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oh, i forgot to say how many dates I had today. 22. yes my stomach is yelling.
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